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GUYS THINK GIRLFRIENDS DON’T WANT SEX – THEY’RE WRONG!

Can you tell when your girlfriend is in the mood for #sex? If you’re like most men, you probably can’t read her as well as you think.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / michaeljung
11 June 2016

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You and your girlfriend met at a party and you were pretty confident she was interested in you – and in having sex with you. It probably turned out you were right about the former, but less so about the latter. At the start of your relationship, anyways.

That’s often how it goes. Men tend to overestimate whether a woman they’ve just met is into having sex with them (check out Mixed signals: sex or just friends?). There’s an evolutionary explanation for this: when it comes to passing on their genes, it’s in a guy’s best interest to guess a woman is into him, rather than guess she’s not and miss out on a chance to have sex.

But how good are men at gauging whether their partner is in the mood for love once they’re in a relationship? And what about women? How do they fare when it comes to knowing if their guy wants to have sex?

SEXUAL DESIRE RATING
To answer these questions, a group of Canadian researchers tracked down over 200 couples of different ages in three studies. All the couples were in steady relationships, which could mean anything from dating for a few months to being married for many years.

The couples filled in surveys, telling the researchers things like how often they had sex and how satisfied and committed they felt in their relationship. The researchers were especially interested in how each partner rated their own sexual desire and also that of their significant other.

The results? Men in relationships regularly underestimate their partner’s sexual desire. Women, on the other hand, are usually pretty accurate – or at least more accurate than guys – when it comes to knowing whether or not their man is in the mood for love.

‘NO’ HURTS
For both men and women, downplaying a partner’s desire has a lot to do with avoiding sexual rejection. That makes pretty good sense since it can feel awful to make a move only to have your partner turn you down, especially if this happens regularly. Not surprisingly, past research has shown that regular sexual rejection can have major consequences in a relationship.

People with high levels of sexual desire are more likely than others to assume their partner is not up for sex, the results showed. And since research has found that men generally have higher sex drives than women, this might help explain why they’re the ones who tend to downplay their partner’s desire, say the researchers.

How does assuming their gal doesn’t want sex affect a guy’s relationship? Women feel more satisfied and committed to their partner on the days he underestimates their sex drive, the studies showed. This doesn’t happen to the same extent when women downplay their guy’s interest in sex. It might be something that happens in relationships where women have higher sex drives than their partners, say the researchers.

TOUCHING A ROBOT IS SEXY, RESEARCH SHOWS

What happens when you touch a robot’s private parts? This US study tracked down ten willing students to find out. Would they get turned on?

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock/Africa Studio – SoftBank Robotics – Love Matters
18 June 2016

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Touch is a way for people to build intimacy and trust. Researchers think of it as a kind of social ‘glue’ that helps people develop a relationship and keep it going strong.

So it’s no surprise that touching someone else can be pretty meaningful … and intimate. If you think about it, the very same touch can cause anger or repulsion when it’s unwanted, and pleasure when it’s from a friend or lover.

PHYSICAL RESPONSES
Being touched can even lead to physical changes in the body like a lower heart rate and higher skin conductance. That’s why most people are so careful about the parts of their body they let others touch, and understand which parts are off-limits on other people’s bodies.

We are of course talking about touch between people. Does any of this apply when a person is touching something else, a robot, say? If you think this sounds pretty crazy, read on: a team of US researchers who study robotics would probably disagree. Past research had led them to believe that touching a robot could cause very real physical responses in humans. So they got to wondering if some of the same rules related to touch between people applied to touch between a person and a robot.

EROTIC?
The researchers found ten students willing to touch a robot’s body parts for science. The robot in question (a NAO, see the photo above) wasn’t like some sexy blow-up doll. Sure, it was human shaped. But it was very much a plastic #toy – and just 23 inches tall. So you could hardly mistake it for a real person! The robot was programmed to instruct the students to touch or point to 13 parts of its body, including everything from its hands to its robot genitals. (You can watch a video of the experiment here.)

While the students followed its instructions with one hand, a sensor was hooked up to the other. The sensor recorded skin conductance, which is a measure of physiological arousal, and also how quickly the students reached out to touch each body part. What would happen when they were asked to touch the robot’s ‘private parts,’ the researchers wanted to know. Surely touching bits of a plastic toy in a lab would hardly be erotic?

FEELS REAL?
Nevertheless the skin sensors revealed the truth. When the robot invited the participants to touch its rear end or genitals their skin conductance went up. In other words, they got turned on. What’s more, they were pretty shy about it – they hesitated before reaching out for the robot’s naughty bits. When the students touched parts of the robot like its hands and feet, the censors showed no reaction.

So why would groping a plastic toy’s ‘private parts’ be turn-on? Though the robot used in the experiment was obviously not human, it has the same physical parts as a human, and they move around like a human. So you can’t help instinctively feeling it’s like a living body. And when you touch that body, the physical sensations in your own body might add to this perception.

ROMANTIC AVATAR
All of this could lead to a person getting aroused when touching a robot in places that are private on humans, as well as feeling it’s not appropriate to do so – at least not if the robot is a stranger. Now if the robot were an avatar standing in for a romantic partner – and yes, this sort of thing is possible in robotic media – maybe it could have you simmering with desire!

HOW COUPLE CONFLICT AFFECTS YOUR HEALTH

How do you and your partner fight? The way you deal with couple conflict could have a major effect on your health, according to this study.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / pathdoc
25 June 2016

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Fights, arguments, bickering, whatever you want to call it, conflict happens in every relationship. People deal with the intense emotions that inevitably arise during conflict differently – or in some cases, they don’t deal with them at all.

EMOTIONS GET PHYSICAL
Research has shown there are plenty of connections between our emotions and our health. That means it matters whether you’re the kind of person who gets angry, or sad, or you swallow your emotions.

But even though this link is well known, there hasn’t been a lot of research on specific emotions and health in the context of long-term relationships. Until this study, that is. Not that it’s exactly new – it’s part of research on Californian couples that started back in 1989.

Every five years for 20 years, the couples took a trip to the lab, where researchers filmed them having three 15-minute conversations. First, they chatted about whatever was going on in their lives, then they discussed a topic they disagreed on, and finally they were asked to recall something they enjoyed doing together.

The researchers then watched the videos to see what was going on, making note of the kinds of emotions each partner was going through during the conversation with the disagreement. They looked at things like their facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. The couples also filled in questions about different aspects of their health.

Over the years, the researchers were able to analyse all the data they’d collected to find out whether there was a link between health and specific emotions that arise during conflict.

ARE YOU A HOT-HEAD OR A COOL CUCUMBER?
The way people deal with couple conflict can have a major impact on their health in the future, the researchers learned. If you’re the kind of person who gets angry and blows up to the point of exploding in a fight, heart problems like high blood pressure could be a concern down the road, the research showed.

On the other hand, if you totally shut down and flat out ignore your partner when a disagreement arises, chances are you’ll face a different kind of health problem. People who don’t deal with their emotions in a fight are likely to have bone ailments, like backaches, or stiff muscles, the study found.

This was mostly true for men, although there was also a connection between these emotions and health problems in women.

How do our emotional responses to conflict affect our health? Take a look at your partner the next time they’re angry or they shut down during a fight. You’ll probably notice that their facial expressions and body language changes. But that’s not all that’s likely going on. Emotions can prickle parts of the nervous and hormonal systems. Over time, anger could regularly rev up the cardiovascular system, leading to heart problems.

ANY SUGGESTIONS?
So the next time you and your partner are in the middle of a heated argument, and he or she blows up at you, just tell them to relax. After all, you’ve got their heart health in mind. And if he or she walks off as cool as a cucumber and refuses to budge, you might want to point out they run the risk of an aching back and sore muscles in the not-so-distant future.

Easier said than done, you’re probably thinking. Good thing the researchers have some suggestions. The hot-headed among us might do well with a course on anger management, while those who tend to block their emotions could probably benefit from learning to let them out.

ARE HIS GADGETS RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Do your guy’s gadgets get on your nerves? Recent research reveals the ways smartphones can kill romance and ruin relationships.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / India Picture
2 July 2016

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You and your boyfriend are out for dinner. It’s been a pretty eventful day and there’s a lot you want to share with him. Most of the time he seems to be listening… but his eyes keep darting down to the smartphone vibrating on the table. Finally he says he just has to check something. A few minutes later he picks up his mobile again. Ever since he got the phone he’s been attached to it as though it could save his life. You teased him at first, but it’s really begun to bother you of late.

TECHNOFERENCE
Researchers have a name for the interruptions caused by gadgets like smartphones: technoference. Anyone who’s experienced technoference can vouch for the fact that it can be annoying. But in a recent US study, researchers looked at whether everyday gadget use can harm a romantic relationship and even affect a person’s well-being.

The researchers tracked down just under 150 women who were married or living with their boyfriends. The women filled in online surveys about technoference in their relationships. They told researchers whether it was common for their partner to pull out his mobile phone during a meal, for example, or send emails during a face-to-face conversation. The women also answered questions about whether they fought over their man’s technology use and how their relationship and personal life were going.

TECH-RELATED CONFLICT
More than 70 per cent of the women said technology use was an issue in their relationship at least some of the time, the researchers learned.

Technoference most often took the form of guys using their gadgets when couples were relaxing together. Over 60 per cent of women said their man picked up his phone or other mobile device once a day or more when they were hanging out together. Other forms of technoference included guys reaching for their mobiles in the middle of a conversation or during a meal with their partners.

What effect did their guy’s gadget use have on these women’s relationships? Not surprisingly, the more often a woman experienced technoference, the more likely she and her partner fought over technology use, the study found.

Tech-related conflict actually led to unhappy relationships. This had far-reaching consequences: more technoference was linked to dissatisfaction in life and depression, the researchers learned.

SET YOUR TECH-TIME LIMITS!
You may be wondering how checking an email or sending a quick Facebook message – things that seem harmless and really only take a few minutes at most – can have such a major impact. Quality time together is vital to any relationship and it’s hard to listen to someone properly and have a meaningful conversation with them when there are constant interruptions, the researchers point out.

They also say the problem is the message a person sends to their partner when they allow gadgets to interfere with a conversation or time spent together. Even quick or unintentional interruptions can tell someone that their partner’s priorities are elsewhere, say the researchers, which is definitely not the most reassuring of messages in a romantic relationship.

What do you do if all this sounds familiar? Totally banning gadgets doesn’t make much sense, the researchers acknowledge. But couples might want to talk about what’s allowed… and what’s not. This could mean something simple like putting Smartphones on silent during mealtime. For others, planning to turn gadgets off completely to focus on each other during when they’re hanging out might be the way to go.

WHY BAD BOYS ARE SEXY

Why do women find bad boys sexy? Harmful behaviours like smoking and drinking make guys’ attractive as short-term #sex partners, according to new research.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / v.s.anandhakrishna
9 July 2016

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We all know that smoking cigarettes and drinking to get drunk have serious short-term and long-term health consequence. But plenty of young men continue to do both. Why do they do it? Belgian researcher Eveline Vincke had what may seem like a surprising hunch: for sex.

RISKY IS SEXY
Past research had shown that when it comes to short-term sex, women are into risk-taking guys. So Vincke came up with two studies to see if the very fact that cigarettes and drinking are risky is what makes them appealing to young men. In other words, she tested out the hypothesis that guys are smoking and drinking because they think women will find them more attractive for short-term sex if they do.

To find out whether women actually prefer short-term partners who smoke and drink, Vincke tracked down 239 female participants between the ages of 17 and 30.

SHORT-TERM FLING
Each woman read short descriptions of different guys’ interests and behaviours. Two of them were related to smoking and drinking. Some of the women read about guys who never touched cigarettes or booze, while others read about occasional or heavy smokers or drinkers.

Afterwards, the women filled in surveys, rating how attractive they thought the guys were for a short-term fling and for a long-term relationship. The women also told Vincke whether they thought each guy was into short-term sex and if they believed his behaviour to be risky and unhealthy.

Were the smokers and drinkers rated as more attractive? Definitely not when it came to long-term romance! Women were not into heavy smokers and drinkers, the study found. The women knew these behaviours were bad for a guy’s health, so they weren’t interested in long-term mates who liked their cigarettes and booze.

SEXUALLY UNRESTRICTED
Non-smokers and guys who steered clear of alcohol were equally attractive as short-term or long-term partners, the results also showed.

But when it came to a short-term fling, puffing away on a cigarette or drinking, especially if we’re talking the occasional beverage, upped a guy’s sex appeal for these women. They figured that bad guys who smoked and drank would be more sexually unrestricted and into short-term sex.

But was this all a figment of these women’s imaginations? Or are smokers and drinkers actually more interested in non-committed sex? To find some answers, Vincke turned to data on 171 guys aged 17 to 30. First the guys were asked how often they smoked cigarettes and drank alcohol. Then they filled in surveys that revealed whether one-night stands were their thing or if they preferred sex with a long-term partner.

Sure enough, the women’s perceptions were bang on. Guys who drank more and those who smoked were sexually unrestricted and tended to prefer short flings over long-term sexual relationships, the surveys showed.

ONE-NIGHT STAND V. LONG-TERM LOVE
When it comes to both short-term and long-term relationships, research has shown that in general women tend to be pickier – and that guys will show off whatever it is they think girls want in order to outcompete their mates. And other studies back up the fact that women dig physically risky behaviour in short-term partners.

But when it comes to finding a long-term relationship, research has shown that women are generally after a guy who will protect and look after them and their kids – not one who’s willing to take risks with their health. Wild and risky might be hot for a one-night stand, but for long-term love, kind men with lots of resources win out.

HOW MONEY CAN AFFECT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Can believing we are rich or poor affect how we feel and behave in a relationship? Recent research from China reveals the impact money can have on romantic love.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / rSnapshotPhotos
23 July 2016

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Love it or loathe it, money is involved in many aspects of daily life. But what about our love lives? The relationship between money and romance is definitely a complicated one.

To understand it a little better, a group of Chinese researchers decided to study the effect of money on long-term love.

The researchers looked at how the feeling of having a bulging bank account or being short of cash affected the love lives of Chinese students with boyfriends or girlfriends.

FEELING RICH, FEELING POOR
First of all, a group of students were given exercises to prime them about how rich they felt. It didn’t matter how much money they actually had in real life – it was about creating a feeling of being richer or poorer. Some had to imagine they’d just won the lottery, while others had to imagine they’d just lost a load of cash. After finishing the priming exercises, some felt well off, others felt broke.

Then some of them filled in surveys that revealed whether they were satisfied with their partner’s looks. Would feeling rich or poor affect the way they saw their partner?

Meanwhile, the rest were given a test to see how open they were to a romantic encounter. They were shown a picture of an attractive stranger of the opposite sex. They were then told they’d get to meet the hot stranger. They were led into a room with a row of chairs. On one chair was a pile of stuff which supposedly belonged to the mystery person. The students were told to take a seat one of the other chairs. How close would the students sat to the good-looking stranger’s chair? Would they get up close in the hope of getting more intimate with this hot mystery guy or girl? Or would they shy away to the other side of the room? And most importantly… how would feeling rich or poor affect their choice?

CHASING A MATE
So… the results.

Feeling rich did affect the way guys felt about their girlfriend’s looks, the researchers learned. The ‘rich’ men were less satisfied with their partner’s appearance than the ‘poor’ men were. Yet for women, wealth didn’t seem to make much of a difference on what they thought of their guy’s appearance.

And the ‘rich’ students also chose to sit closer to the attractive stranger, the study showed. This suggested they were more up for cheating or moving on to fresh romance with a hot new partner. Both men and women behaved the same way, but on average, the men sat closer to the good-looking stranger than the women did.

Not surprising, perhaps. Men are more likely than women to go after a possible mate, research has shown. According to the theory of evolution, guys will take every chance they get to have sex and pass on their genes, which is the ultimate goal.

RICH GUYS CHEAT?
If you’re in a committed relationship, what’s the take-home message from this study?

Well, ‘people who feel they have relatively more money may have more interest in an attractive alternative than those who feel they have relatively less money’, is how the researchers put it. In other words… guys who feel rich are more likely to cheat?

Money maybe can’t buy you love, but it can certainly affect your love life. Cash, or lack of it, can either create or solve relationship problems. Changes in the amount of money couples have do impact their relationship, say the researchers, and there’s no harm in getting it out in the open.

TOP TEN WORRIES ABOUT SEX

What are your biggest fears about #sex? Whether it’s worrying about STIs or fretting over the way your body looks naked, chances are you’re not alone. Read on to find out what men and women are most afraid of when it comes to sex.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / nikitabuida
30 July 2016

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When it comes to intercourse and foreplay, focusing on pleasure matters. But for many people, sex can also be a source of stress and worrying. There are of course serious health concerns involved in sex, which is why it’s important to use protection.

But then there are other fears, less serious ones that are not at all related to health. Maybe it’s worrying that your partner won’t enjoy sex. Or that something horribly embarrassing will happen in the heat of the moment.

Whatever it is you fret about, recent research shows your worries are probably pretty common. The research was done by the website Superdrug Online Doctor. They surveyed over 2000 men and women from the US and Europe to find out what people are most afraid of when it comes to sex. The participants were asked to rate each of a list of fears on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the thing they were most scared of.

And this is what they found…

MEN’S TOP TEN SEX FEARS
She’ll give me an STI
She won’t have an orgasm
She’ll get pregnant
I’ll come too soon
She’ll hate my body
I won’t get an erection
I’m bad at sex
My penis is too small
She’ll think I’m inexperienced
It will be awkward afterwards

WOMEN’S TOP TEN SEX FEARS
He won’t wear a condom
He’ll give me an STI
I’ll get pregnant
He’ll hate my body
He won’t take no for an answer
He’ll want to do something I don’t like
My body will do something embarrassing
He won’t have an orgasm
I won’t have an orgasm
I’m bad at sex
Not surprisingly, people ranked the serious possible consequences of intercourse highest. Sleeping with a partner who had a sexually transmitted infection (STI) was rated an average of 6.9 and an unwanted pregnancy 6.0.

Other serious fears were related to the issue of consent. Women worried their partner would ask them to do something they weren’t comfortable with or wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

But it wasn’t just serious sex concerns like these that the participants were afraid of. Performance was a major stressor for many. People feared their partners wouldn’t orgasm (more men than women) or that they wouldn’t orgasm (more women than men). Both guys and gals were seriously worried they’d be bad in bed. Related to this was the concern that a partner would think they were inexperienced in the ways of sex.

EMBARRASSING!
The way they looked during sex was almost as big a concern as pregnancy for both men and women. Fearing a partner would not find their naked body attractive got an average score of 5.5. Other appearance-related worries made the list as well. Take body hair being a turn off, which both men and women ranked a 4, on average.

When it came to gender-specific differences in concerns over appearance, men were mostly afraid their penises were too small (4.1), while women worried their breasts were too small (3.7).

And then there was being afraid that something embarrassing would happen in the heat of the moment. Whether it was the unexpected bodily function, sex noises being a turn-off, or blurting out a name – one that wasn’t their partner’s – embarrassment ranked high among people’s sex fears.

So if some of these not-so-serious fears sound familiar (and chances are good they do, this study shows), you’re definitely not alone. You might find it reassuring to think that your partner could very well be worrying about the same things.

HOW HAPPY COUPLES STAY FAITHFUL

How do people stay faithful to their partners when they meet a hot guy or girl? Happy couples see a stranger’s good looks as nothing special, say researchers.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Milind Arvind Ketkar
6 August 2016

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We cross paths with all sorts of people in our lives – lots of them good looking enough to set our pulses racing. But if we’re in a committed relationship, most of us don’t flirt with the cute guy or girl who sits next to us in class, nor do we slip them our phone number. Instead, we make the choice to stay faithful to our partners.

So what’s the secret to staying faithful? It turns out there’s something that committed couples do to make it easier. And they don’t even realise they’re doing it. Curious what it is? So were a group of US researchers.

SEXY STRANGERS
In fact, they already had a pretty good hunch. Past research had shown that when people in relationships meet a hot, witty, intelligent stranger, they say they’re not too impressed.

“Good looking? Mmm so-so,” they’ll say. “Funny guy? Well, he didn’t make me laugh.”

Are they just being tactful? Are they consciously talking themselves out of falling for a sexy stranger? Or does it actually happen without them really being aware of it?

The researchers set up a test with a couple of hundred students, some single, some in relationships. The students were told they were going to be working closely with a member of the opposite sex. They were shown pictures of this guy or girl – who just so happened to be really hot! They also read profiles that revealed whether the person was single and interested in dating, or already taken.

Later on, the students were shown 11 different photos of the guy or girl. One was the photo they’d already seen, the rest had been cunningly photoshopped. In half of them the person had been morphed to make them less attractive, and in the rest they’d been made to look even more attractive. The students had to pick out the real deal.

COOLING DOWN HOT IMPULSES
Would the students in relationships choose differently from those who were single?

Sure enough, the students in relationships picked out a photo that made the person look less attractive than they really were. These faithful lovers really did remember the hot stranger as “Good looking? Mmmm so-so.” Especially if they were told the person was single and looking for a hot date – so even riskier as a tempting illicit lover.

Things were different if the students were told the person was already tied up in a relationship or not interested in romance. It was safer to admit they were sexy without being led astray. Then the students actually picked out a photo that made the guy or girl look even more attractive than they were in reality.

So when someone is in a loving long-term relationship, one of the ways they stay faithful seems to be to downplay the attractiveness of a guy or girl who’s a threat to what they’ve got going with their partner, the study showed. And this isn’t a question of choosing to think he or she is less attractive. The results suggest people in happy relationships actually see good-looking guys and girls this way. As the researchers put it, happy couples cool down their hot impulses when they see an attractive stranger.

A SIMPLE TIP FOR BETTER RELATIONSHIP SEX

Want to have better #sex with your partner? A simple change in focus could be all it takes to give your sex life a boost, according to a recent study.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Ollyy
20 August 2016

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Think back to the last time you and your partner had sex. What was the reason the two of you got it on? Chances are good you’ve never given this question much thought. After all, sex feels good – and is good for you – so it seems like a no-brainer.

It turns out this is a useful question to ask yourself. That’s because when it comes to how good sex is, and the benefits it has on your relationship, not all reasons are created equal, research has shown.

When people have positive reasons for getting it on with their partner, they feel more desire for him or her and are just plain happier with their sex lives and relationships.

GOOD REASONS FOR SEX
What are positive reasons for having sex, you ask? Well, they include the obvious – things like:

feeling just plain aroused or horny
desiring the physical pleasure of an orgasm.
wanting to feel intimate with your sweetheart, show affection, express your love
wanting to making your partner feel good.
Basically, it’s having sex for the positive things that will come out of it.

BAD REASONS FOR SEX
Next question: what are negative reasons for having sex? Well, when you’re getting it on to prevent something unpleasant from happening – things like:

not wanting to disappoint your partner
avoiding a fight
Naturally, these reasons are not as good for a relationship as positive ones.

So what happens if the last time you had sex it was to avoid something bad happening? It turns out this is something you can work on and change, the study found.

POSITIVE REASON, BETTER SEX?
In the study, the researchers had 155 participants in relationships describe a time they had sex with their partner. They wrote down why they did it and how they felt. Some were told to choose sex they had for a positive reason, like feeling horny, sexy, loving. Meanwhile, others were asked to describe a time they had sex to avoid bad consequences. Then afterwards, everybody filled in questionnaires about their sex lives and relationships.

People asked to describe having sex for positive reasons actually felt more desire for their partners, the research confirmed. They also had better sex and were happier in their relationships.

BOOST YOUR SEX LIFE!
But it’s one thing to think about sex you’ve had in the past and another to change the way you’re doing it in the future – for the better. Next, the researchers wanted to see if their work could lead to real-life changes.

So they got hold of another 240 participants to try it out. They got half of the group to read all about the benefits of having sex for positive reasons. The following week they were told to go forth and put their newfound knowledge to the test by focusing on the positive in their sex lives.

Those who did were rewarded for their efforts. When the researchers checked in on them a week later, they had been able to change the way they were having sex and felt happier about their relationships as a result. That, and they were having better sex.

So what’s the take-home message from this research? Try to make it a point to focus on the positive reasons for getting it on with your partner. You might just find that the two of you have better sex as a result.

SEXUAL FANTASIES: GOOD OR BAD FOR YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

How do sexual fantasies affect a relationship? That all depends on whether your partner is the person starring in your fantasies, recent Israeli research shows.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Milles Studio / Piotr Marcinski / Love Matters
27 August 2016

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Think about the last sexual fantasy you had. This shouldn’t be too tricky a task. Men do it more than women (even up to every few minutes!) but fantasising about sex is still very common for both sexes, whether they’re partnered or single.

POP-UP FANTASIES
‘People fantasise in many contexts, not only during sex – also when they’re bored or when they stand in line, or when they hear talks,’ says Dr Gurit Birnbaum, an Israeli psychologist at the Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) Herzliya, and sexual fantasy expert. ‘You don’t always control your fantasies – sometimes fantasies just pop up,’ she told Love Matters at the 2016 International Association for Relationship Research (IARR) conference.

But if you’re in a relationship, you might have wondered whether the fantasies that pop up are a good thing – especially if it’s someone other than your partner who’s playing the lead role!

FANTASY DIARY
It turns out that Dr Birnbaum was curious about the very same thing. The problem was a serious lack of research on the subject. So she decided it was time to clear up the mystery. Along with a team of colleagues, Dr Birnbaum conducted three studies to understand how sexual fantasies can affect your relationship.

In the first, participants were asked to fantasise either about their partner or someone else. In the other studies, they kept diaries about the sexual fantasies that popped into their heads each day. The researchers also had the participants answer daily questions about their relationships.

RELATIONSHIP BOOSTER
If your partner is the one you’re fantasising about, the news is good. ‘First, you desire your partner more,’ Dr Birnbaum explained. ‘You see your partner and your relationship in a more positive light, and you act on it and behave nicely to your partner – you do nice things for your partner that promote the relationship and improve intimacy. So it’s very good for a relationship.’

But what happens when the attractive guy or girl in your fantasies isn’t the person you’re in a relationship with? Whew… good news there too.

FEEL FREE TO FANTASISE
‘Except for negative feelings, like guilt and shame, that some people experience, in terms of the relationship, we didn’t find anything significantly harmful,’ Dr Birnbaum told Love Matters. ‘So you can feel free to fantasise and if you don’t let yourself feel guilty about it, then that’s fine!’

Whether or not you decide to share your fantasies with your partner is a different matter. ‘You should be very cautious about what you reveal to your partner,’ says Dr Birnbaum. ‘Sharing fantasies may boost excitement, intimacy, and creativity in a relationship and help people see their partners in a new light. But fantasies enhance the desire between you and your partner, as long as they don’t threaten your partner, and their feelings of being special and desired. So you shouldn’t reveal all your desires if you sense that they may make your partner feel threatened. You can keep some to yourself!’

So if you’ve ever worried about the effect of sexual fantasies on your relationship, Dr Birnbaum’s take-home message is this: ‘You can fantasise about whoever and whatever you would like – that’s the whole point about fantasies. But if you want to reap the benefits of fantasising, you’d better include your partner, at least in some of your fantasies.’