Contraception is sexy! Couples who use birth control regularly don’t just have fewer babies – they also have more #sex, say researchers.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / VGstockstudio
12 March 2016

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How often do couples around the globe have sex? Is this related to how they use contraception? These were the questions a team of US researchers had on their minds when they set out to explore the link between sex and birth control.

The team looked at data on no fewer than 210,000 women from low- and middle-income countries around the world, all of whom were married or living with their partner. The women were asked all sorts of questions. But the researchers were most interested in two things: whether they’d had intercourse in the past four weeks, and if they were using contraception.

Once they had the answers to those questions, the researchers analysed the data to find out whether there is indeed a link between contraception and how much sex a couple has.

FREE TO ENJOY
Women who use contraception are three times more likely to have regular intercourse with their partners, the researchers learned. Ninety per cent of the women in the study who used some form of birth control had had sex over the past four weeks. That’s compared to 72 per cent of those who weren’t using protection.

The explanation looks pretty obvious. If you’re worried about getting pregnant when you don’t want to, you’re likely to avoid having sex. Take away the worry, and you’re free to enjoy lots of sex!

Just because couples have easy access to contraception doesn’t mean they’ll start getting it on more often with their partners. But having the choice to use contraception allows couples to separate sexual pleasure from pregnancy, says the study’s lead researcher Suzanne Bell.

A BOOST FOR WORLDWIDE SEX!
Of course, for some women, not using protection could be a choice and not a question of not being able to access it. For example, some may worry about the side effects of hormone-based birth control. And other women simply might not be having a lot of sex to begin with and thus see no need for contraception.

More studies need to be done before researchers know if couples who can get contraception whenever they want will have more sex as a result. According to Bell, making contraception easily available “could mean good things for the sex lives of men and women worldwide”.

Wish your days could be filled with a little more lovemaking? Listening to music with your sweetheart could just do the trick, according to a study funded by Sonos and Apple Music.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Serg Zastavkin / Love Matters
19 March 2016

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After a long day at work you and your partner are at home hanging out on the couch. You’re surfing the web and she’s flipping through a magazine when Balam Pichkari comes on. Oh yes, it’s your song, and though you´re both tired, it’s pretty much guaranteed there’s one place it’ll lead you: to the bedroom.

Listening to music with a partner can be a major turn-on. But that’s not the only effect it has on romantic relationships, according to the findings of the global study, which was conducted with the help of neuroscientist Dr Daniel Levitin, an expert on the effects of music on the brain.

EXCITING, RHYTHMIC, ROMANTIC…
In the first part of the study, 30,000 people were surveyed about the impact of music on their lives. Then, sound systems were installed in 30 homes around the world. After one week without music, the participants in those homes were instructed to listen to whatever they wanted for a week. How would a week filled with music impact their lives?

They’d have a lot more sex, for one. Couples in the experiment spent 37 per cent more time in the bedroom – and they weren’t sleeping. This is backed up by the survey, which found that couples have sex 67 per cent more often when there’s music on.

Listening to music with their sweetheart actually makes sex better for one in five people, the surveys also revealed. Most say that’s because sex is more exciting with music or find it’s the rhythmic effect that makes it so good. About the same per cent of people say romantic moments are sweeter when there’s music playing.

TURN-ON SONG
The study also backed up what a lot of people know: music can work wonders when it comes to setting the mood for love. One out of five people who listen to tunes out loud say that just hearing a song is enough for them to make the first move, the survey showed. About the same number have said “I love you” after hearing a song. What’s more, just over 65 per cent of music enthusiasts (those who listened to 10 or more hours per week in the study) can name the song that turns their partner on.

Not surprisingly, the music a potential partner listens to can be a turn-on … or a deal-breaker. Almost 60 per cent of people say having a good taste in music makes someone more attractive. And one in three people actually wouldn’t date someone who didn’t share their tastes in music. That could be the reason 28 per cent of people are pretty sure their partner’s lied about the kind of music they’re into to seem more attractive.

SO HOW DOES IT WORK?
By now you’re probably wondering why music has such a big effect on sex, romance, and attraction. Dr Levitin explains that when couples listen to music together the hormone oxytocin is released. Also known as the “love hormone”, oxytocin is involved in bonding and trust between partners. Serotonin, which is linked to feeling happy, is another hormone that´s released when people listen to music in each other’s company.

All these feelings of love and happiness are connected to the music they’re playing.

According to Dr Levitin, making music was a way for our ancestors to express their creativity and individuality, all of which would make them more attractive as potential partners. Fast forward to today and that might help explain why we’re attracted to someone whose taste in music we dig.

Broken-hearted after a break-up? The story you tell yourself about how it ended could help you get through the post-relationship blues, according to US research.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / wk1003mike
9 April 2016

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You and your girlfriend called it quits six months ago. There are days when you feel you’re finally over her, but the truth is you’re struggling to move on. You play back the moment you knew it was finished again and again, trying to figure out what went wrong.

But what if you shift your thinking to what went right instead? Of course, looking at the good stuff might not be the easiest thing to do when all you want is to forget your ex. But focusing on the positive moments and what you learned from them could actually help you move on, and fend off the post-break-up blues while you’re at it, according to the findings of a recent study.

HAPPY ENDING?
The study included 146 men and women who’d recently broken up with a partner. First, the newly single participants answered questions that showed whether they were depressed. Then, the researchers asked them to write a short story about the most significant event that happened in their relationship. The story could include different details, such as what happened and what they and their partner were feeling and thinking at the time.

Once all the stories were written, the researchers read them carefully to see what information the participants included. They were especially interested in whether the stories had positive or negative endings.

The stories people tell themselves about a past relationship can affect their well-being after they break up, the researchers found. People whose stories have positive endings are less likely to be depressed. And chances are better they’ll enter into singledom in a more healthy way.

TOP TWO STORIES
But which elements of a story lead to a positive ending? The researchers found two storytelling patterns linked to putting a positive spin on things. People who told their stories using these approaches were more likely to be doing well once their relationship had come to an end.

The first approach focused on different ways the person had been intimate with their partner. It might have included descriptions of physical and emotional closeness, being able to say what was on their mind, and moments when they trusted their partner. Importantly, people who wrote this kind of story focused on how they’d grown as a person.
In the second approach, what mattered was not dwelling on what went wrong or whatever was missing. For example, instead of focusing on the reason a relationship ended, participants might have written about what they’d learned from the break-up.
MOVING ON: WHAT MATTERS MOST
So if you’re coming out a relationship, this study could just help you transition into being single. Think about the story you’ve been telling yourself about your break-up. Is it making the difficult process of getting over your ex even harder?

If so, try rewriting the story. Tell yourself about the intimate experiences you shared with your partner. Instead of dwelling on the bad things that brought your relationship to an end, try to think of positive effects the relationship had on your life. That might also help you consider what you’d do differently in the future.

What matters most for ‘moving on’, say the researchers, is not focusing on what went wrong with your love, but on what you learned from the relationship.

Are you into pillow talk? Or does the idea of sharing thoughts and feelings after #sex terrify you? Your answer could have to do with the hormone testosterone, a recent US study found.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / India Picture
15 April 2016

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You’ve just had sex with a new partner…. and oh dear, it wasn’t great, exactly. Awkward! Do you talk to him or her about what went wrong? Or do you keep mum and hope it’ll be better the next time around?

Talking about sex, after sex, can be pretty difficult. But the thing is, it’s also pretty important. Sharing your intimate thoughts and feelings make a big difference when it comes to having a healthy sex life and a close and satisfying relationship.

Though post-sex pillow talk can make just about anyone feel vulnerable, some people seem to find it easier than others. Why are they able to share their most intimate thoughts while other people struggle to share what’s on their mind?

There are, of course, many possible reasons. Things like personality and the kind of relationship between partners make a difference. And when people have an orgasm they are more likely to open up and talk after sex, research has shown.

It turns out that hormones can also affect pillow talk. There are two that are particularly important in the bedroom:

Oxytocin: Sometimes described as the ‘love hormone, oxytocin boosts post-sex feelings of trust, closeness, and bonding. That makes it easier to share intimate thoughts.
Testosterone: In both men and women, testosterone boosts sexual desire and arousal. And it also influences how partners communicate – though until this study, just what kind of effect testosterone has on post-sex chitchat remained mostly a mystery.
THE TESTOSTERONE EFFECT
In the study, researchers found just over 250 university students willing to share intimate details about their sex lives. Before they did, the researchers took the students’ saliva samples to measure their testosterone levels.

Then, for two weeks, every time the students got it on with their partner – that included anything ‘below the belt’, from hand jobs to intercourse – they filled in an online diary so the researchers could read the juicy details.

The researchers also asked if the students were comfortable opening up or if expressing their feelings felt dangerous. They were also asked how much they agreed with statements like “I didn’t mean to say the things I said to my partner,” or “I told my partner some negative thoughts I’ve been having about him/her.”

Then the researchers matched all this up with the results of the test for testosterone levels. And what did they find?

The people with higher testosterone levels were…

less positive when it came to what they shared with their partners after sex – and sometimes downright negative if they didn’t have an orgasm!
more likely to blurt things out during pillow talk instead of choosing their words sensitively
less likely to see the benefits of pillow talk.
more likely to feel that opening up to their partners after sex was risky
HORMONE SHOWDOWN
So why would testosterone have all these effects on pillow talk? One possible explanation is that the hormone makes it harder for oxytocin to do its job. People with high testosterone levels might not experience as much of the post-sex lovey-dovey feelings linked to oxytocin. As a result, they don’t feel like they can open up to a partner.

What can we conclude? Well, if all the conversation you get out of your partner after sex is a few grumpy grunts, remember, that could be the testosterone talking. And if you’re the one who wishes your chatty partner would just shut up and leave you in peace after a romp under the sheets, think carefully before you say something you might regret. Try to respect each other’s feelings, and make pillow talk like sex: a matter of give and take

Does anal #sex hurt? Can it be blissful too? Nearly 2000 women share their experiences with anal intercourse.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Ocskay Bence
30 April 2016

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Anal intercourse has a reputation for being just plain painful for women. The cliché is that guys are desperate for it, while women wince. But how much does it actually hurt? Why would women put up with anal if it’s such a pain? Is there anything a couple can do to make it less painful and more pleasurable for her?

There’s a lot of talk about anal sex these days, porn sites are awash with it, and studies show it’s becoming more common. Yet up until recently, researchers would have been hard-pressed to answer these questions about women’s real anal experiences. There just wasn’t a whole lot of information out there.

Enter a team of researchers from Croatia who figured it was time to change that. They found around 1,900 women aged 18 to 60 who were willing to share intimate info about their sex lives. Each woman filled in an online survey that included detailed questions about “anal sex or penis in the anus”. A smaller group of women who regularly had anal sex also described their experiences with pleasure and pain.

Almost 80 percent of the women had had anal sex at least once, though the researchers note that this number is likely higher than in the general population.

PAIN THEN PLEASURE
So did it hurt? Well, yes. The first time hurt for most of the women, and 40 per cent stopped because of the pain or discomfort. For some, once was enough, and they never did it again. But about 70 per cent gave it another go and kept at it. And they said it definitely got better over time. The pain became less intense and didn’t last as long, they explained in the surveys. Still, just over 70 per cent of the women who had regular anal sex said they usually felt some degree of pain or discomfort.

So, why on earth don’t they just tell their partners to put their penises somewhere else, for goodness sake?

The thing is, there was more than just pain. They also felt pleasure. More than half of the women who continued to have anal sex said it was very arousing and pleasurable, and that this increased over time.

DOMINANCE AND INTIMACY
The researchers found that women who were able to orgasm during vaginal intercourse as well as those who masturbated regularly were more likely to enjoy anal sex.

But what makes it enjoyable for those women who regular get off on anal? The researchers turned to the group of women who wrote descriptions of their experiences for answers.

For some women, the pain they felt during anal sex was actually part of what made it pleasurable. Others linked the pain to being dominated, which turned them on, and some women said that trust in their partner and intimacy were wrapped up in what made it feel good.

On the other hand, some women experienced very little or no pain – or stopped if they did. For them, pain had nothing to do with the pleasure they felt during anal sex.

WANT TO TRY?
So if you and your partner are beginning to have anal sex – or are thinking of trying it – these women’s experiences could help. When it comes to minimizing pain, anal foreplay and lube or saliva are important. A number of women explained that being very aroused was the key to not feeling uncomfortable. Others said that keeping things slow and gradual really mattered.

Though anal sex is likely to hurt at first, the pain tends to go away with time, the women who continued to have it said. Feeling comfortable and relaxed with your partner, communicating, and learning which positions work best are essential.

Like anything to do with sex, rule number one is never pressure anyone into having anal sex, and never put up with it if you’re not into it. For more tips, check out our Anal sex: do’s and don’ts.

Ever wonder what a gorgeous girl sees in an average-looking guy? Or vice versa? Recent research reveals when good looks are only skin deep in romance.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock/michaeljung – Love Matters
7 May 2016

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Couples are often pretty similar when it comes to their looks and personalities – and how attractive they are. Researchers even have a name for this: ‘assortative mating’.

In general, hot girls end up with hot guys. Seems pretty logical. If you’ve got the looks yourself, you can take your pick – why settle for anything less?

IS SHE REALLY GOING OUT WITH HIM?
Except… it doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes less attractive lovers pair up with beautiful people, and live happily ever after. (‘Punching above their weight,’ people sometimes call it, rather unkindly.) So how come?

A group of researchers from the US has been studying why many couples are similar in terms of physical attractiveness – but also why some couples buck the trend, and seem to be completely mismatched physically. Past work led the researchers to a hunch. Could it have something to do with how long people have known each other before things get romantic?

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE
To test this out, they turned to research on 167 married or dating couples. Some had started going out recently, but others had been together happily for decades. The couples told the researchers how long they’d known each other before they became an item, and whether they’d started off just friends. Next they were filmed chatting about how they’d changed over the course of their relationship. Afterwards, a panel of judges ranked each partner on their physical attractiveness.

Here’s what the researchers found. When strangers get together within a month of meeting, sure enough, hot girls end up with hot guys. But if they get to know each other for a while before hooking up, all bets are off when it comes to looks. It just doesn’t matter as much. Once people know each other, they stop judging the book by its cover.

MY FUNNY VALENTINE
As people get to know each other over time, they learn all sorts of things about each other. They might become attracted to a partner who shares a passion, or who has a great taste in music, or a wacky sense of humour. These less superficial traits become a whole lot more important than the way their partner looks, the researchers suggest. And it could be that a person’s interests, tastes, or personality actually make them more physically attractive in the eyes of their partner.

Whether a couple is matched in terms of their looks doesn’t seem to make much of a difference when it comes to how happy they are together. Couples who were friends before going out are just as happy as those who didn’t know each other before they hooked up, the study found.

Do you have trouble reaching orgasm? The cause might not be what you think. Literally. Recent research points to some of the physical reasons people have difficulty climaxing.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / MBLifestyle
14 May 2016

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Getting turned on and reaching orgasm is pretty complex. There’s a mental and physical side to climaxing and different branches of the nervous system are involved. So it makes sense that a lot of things have to go right for a person to orgasm. It also means that when someone has difficulty climaxing, there are a number of different explanations.

Mental causes often get the blame for sexual problems like premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction in men, and anorgasmia (not being able to orgasm) in woman.

But sexual dysfunction is not always in someone’s head. A group of US researchers recently set out to pinpoint where the problems might lie. They tracked down all the studies they could find on the anatomy of sexual organs – the penis, clitoris, and G-spot – and the nervous system. They wanted to know if the differences in people’s bodies had something to do with their sexual pleasure and orgasms.

GUYS, IT’S ALL ABOUT BALANCE
When it comes to orgasms, the physical differences between guys can be hidden away in the nervous system.

For men, an orgasm involves two things: getting an erection and ejaculating. For both of these to happen, there has to be a balance between two sides of the autonomous nervous system. This is the system that controls all the stuff your body does automatically – from your heart beating to your penis swelling.

As far as sex is concerned, there are two branches of this nervous system that matter:

The sympathetic branch: this controls your ‘fight or flight’ responses. Your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises, and your body gets ready for action.
The parasympathetic branch: this controls your ‘rest and digest’ responses. Your heartrate drops, your body gets ready to chill out.
For some men who have trouble with premature ejaculation, it could be because these two systems are out of balance, one study showed. The ‘ready for action’ system is working too hard, and the ‘chill out’ system isn’t pulling its weight. The result: too much action in the ejaculation department.

BIGGER PENIS, BETTER ORGASM?
The age-old debate: does penis size matter? More particularly, does it make a difference to orgasms?

There’s no evidence that guys with bigger penises also have bigger orgasms! But what about the effect of penis size on a woman’s orgasm? Well, there’s no conclusive evidence there either, the researchers found.

Most studies on penis size have been based on women describing and comparing their experiences with different partners. OK, it’s possible that a large penis might be better able to stimulate a woman’s sexual organs. But it’s also true that a woman could believe that bigger is better, say the researchers, and it’s that belief and not any physical difference that leads to more orgasms.

As it happens, many women may not be all that bothered about the size of her man’s penis. Research has shown that guys tend to fret more about the issue than girls.

IN WOMEN, THE CLITORIS IS WHERE IT’S AT
In women, the clitoris is the main part of the genitals involved in an orgasm. Interestingly, clitoris size varies a lot from one woman to the next – more than penis size (when flaccid) does between men, studies have shown.

BIGGER CLITORIS, BETTER ORGASM?
The researchers were curious to see whether the size of a woman’s clitoris could make a difference when it came to climaxing. The verdict: so far, it’s the same story as the penis. No research has found a definite connection clitoris size and orgasms.

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
What researchers do know is that the location of a woman’s clitoris seems to be important to regular orgasms. Women who have a smaller distance between their clitoris and vagina might find it easier to climax during intercourse (but not while masturbating). Studies have also shown that anorgasmia can result when they’re farther apart.

During intercourse, the clitoris does its best to get in on the action. When a woman gets aroused, the clitoris actually moves towards the front wall of the vagina. This part of the vagina is very sensitive during sex and it may be the location of the G-spot. There’s still plenty of debate about whether this area full of nerve endings actually exists. But sexual positions that simulate the front wall of the vagina might up the chances of reaching orgasm for some women during intercourse. So think ‘missionary’ or ‘woman on top’ rather than ‘doggy style’ for maximum stimulation.

How long does #sex normally last? That all depends on who you’re having it with. The length of intercourse varies a whole lot from one couple to the next, science shows.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / wavebreakmedia / Love Matters
21 May 2016

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You and your partner have intercourse pretty often, and in general you’re happy with your sex life. Well, except for one thing. Most of the time, it never quite feels like it goes on long enough. How long is sex supposed to last, you wonder? What’s normal?

This is the very question that Australian researcher Dr Brendan Zietsch talks about in a recent article on The Conversation. But answering it is easier said than done.

What’s more, if you ask people for an estimate, they’re likely to guess that they last longer than they actually do. After all, the best lovers go on all night, don’t they? Well, that’s the stereotype.

5½ MINUTES?
All this means that there just isn’t a lot of research out there on how long intercourse normally lasts. But there is one study from 2005 that has helped shed some light on how long people spend having intercourse.

BETWEEN 33 SECONDS AND 44 MINUTES?
The study looked at intravaginal ejaculation latency time. Sounds romantic? It means how long intercourse lasts from when the guy puts his penis in his partner’s vagina to when he ejaculates.

Five hundred couples from Spain, the Netherlands, the United Kingdom, the United States, and Turkey took part in the study. With the help of a trusty stopwatch, the couples were told to hit start and stop every time they had intercourse over a period of four weeks.

So how long did sex normally last for these couples? About 5½ minutes was the median – that means that half the couples lasted longer and half finished in less time. But that doesn’t tell you so much, actually.

THERE’S NO NORMAL!
The thing is, there was a huge range in how long they had intercourse for. When the researchers took the average of all the times each couple had sex during the four weeks, intercourse lasted between 33 seconds and 44 minutes. So as Dr. Zietsch put it, “It’s clear there’s no one ‘normal’ amount of time to have sex.”

How long sex lasted didn’t depend on whether the couples were using a condom or the guy was circumcised, the study also found. There didn’t seem to be a difference from one country to the next, with the exception of Turkey, where the median length of sex was the lowest, at 3.7 minutes.

So what’s the take-home message from this study? It’s normal for sex to last as long as it does for you and your partner. And if you’re worried it’s going on for too long – or not long enough – talking about it to him or her is definitely a good idea.

Does more #sex make for a better relationship? Researchers asked newlyweds to go with their gut feelings when it came to the impact of regular sex on their lives together.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Kotin
28 May 2016

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It makes sense that couples who have regular sex feel good together. The theory of evolution can help explain why, say researchers. People have evolved to enjoy getting it on often because the more intercourse they have the greater their chance of having kids and passing on their genes to the next generation. One of the things that makes regular sex enjoyable is the intimacy, which has a positive effect on how happy you feel together.

So surely… if you have lots of sex with your partner, it probably means you’re in a pretty happy relationship, doesn’t it? Well, not necessarily. When in the past researchers have asked lovebirds if more sex makes for a better relationship, the results have not always been clear. Though basically, it always looks like having lots of sex doesn’t necessarily make you a happy couple.

But how do you find out if a couple is happy? After all, if someone asks you straight out if you have a happy marriage, and you think about it for a moment before you reply, how reliable is your answer? Is it the same as the instinctive gut reaction about the way you feel with your partner? Past research just asked people directly about their feelings, and that might help explain why the findings have been confusing, the researchers of a recent US study reasoned.

INSTINCTS REVEALED
So the researchers thought up a way to measure people’s instinctive responses to their partners. True feelings, straight from the gut, exposed.

In two studies, a newlywed couple told the researchers how often they had sex. Next, they filled in questionnaires which asked directly how satisfied they were in their relationships.

And then came the part of the experiment which unveiled the subconscious secrets about the participants’ feelings for their partners. They were shown pictures of their significant other quickly on a screen. Then the picture was followed by a word, and the participants had to press a button to say whether it was positive or negative. How fast they responded to these words would give the researchers an idea of their gut reaction about their partners. If they hit the button faster for positive words than for negative words, it would suggest they felt more positive about their spouse.

And the result? Well, when the researchers looked to see if there was a link between having more sex and simply saying you’re satisfied with your partner when you’re asked a straight question about it, they didn’t find one. It was just like all the old research. Newlyweds who had sex more often didn’t actually say they were happier in their relationships.

But when it came to that gut-level reaction, the answer was yes, more sex matters. How often the newlyweds had sex was related to their instinctive feeling towards their sweethearts. Those who got it on more often were more likely to respond positively to images of their loved ones.

SEX CULTURE
At this point, you might be wondering why someone would have a problem admitting that sex is linked to how well their relationship is going.

What people say about the impact of intercourse is naturally a reflection of their beliefs – and what they want to believe – about sex and relationships. So someone who’s not having regular sex with their partner might say that things are going well in their relationship even if they’re not, the researchers point out. They also give the example of a person whose cultural background makes them think that regular sex isn’t necessarily important in a relationship.

What this research doesn’t tell us is whether having lots of sex actually improves your relationship, or whether people in good relationships just feel more like having sex. But hey, if in doubt… it can never do any harm!

Do you feel your partner expects you to be perfect in bed? Sexual perfectionism is a downer for your #sex life, according to recent research.

Text: Sarah Moses
Image: Shutterstock / Guryanov Andrey
4 June 2016

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People who are perfectionists tend to set impossibly high standards and strive for perfection in whatever they do. When this doesn’t happen, they’re likely to be very hard on themselves. They also usually worry a lot about what others think of them.

Sound familiar? Perfectionism is a common enough trait, and research has shown it can affect many different sides of life, from the obvious – think work and school – to things like personal hygiene.

SEXUAL PERFECTIONISM
But what about sex? Researchers are just beginning to look at the impact of sexual perfectionism. Studies have shown there are four main types:

Self-oriented – you set high standards for your own sexual performance
Partner-oriented – you set high standards for your partner’s sexual performance
Partner-prescribed sexual perfectionism – you feel your partner expects you to be perfect in bed.
Socially-prescribed – you feel that society sets high standards for sexual performance.
DESIRE, AROUSAL, ORGASM
So how do these types of sexual perfectionism affect women? That’s what a team of UK researchers got to wondering. What they did was track down over 350 women – some were university students, while others were older and were recruited online.

At the start of the study, the women filled in survey questions about their sex lives and the four different kinds of sexual perfectionism. The researchers were interested in sexual self-esteem, whether the participants felt anxious about sex, and if they tended to blame themselves for any sexual problems they had. The surveys also included questions about desire, arousal, reaching orgasm.

PRESSURE TO BE PERFECT
When it comes to the impact of sexual perfectionism on women, one type is definitely worse than the others, the surveys showed. That would be the partner-prescribed kind – women who feel their partners expect perfection in bed are more likely to have problems with their sex lives.

What kind of problems are we talking about? A woman who believes she can’t meet her partner’s standards might feel anxious about sex and have lower sexual self-esteem as a result. This kind of sexual perfectionism can also lead to physical problems like difficulty getting aroused and lubricated.

The results also showed that women who expect their partners to be perfect in bed are generally less satisfied with their sex lives compared to women who have more realistic expectations.

Why does partner-prescribed sexual perfectionism seem to have more of a negative effect than other types? The researchers aren’t yet sure, but they suggest that when a woman believes her partner expects sex to be perfect, she’s more likely to have performance anxiety. If sex makes you feel nervous or stressed, you’re likely to have trouble getting turned on or having an orgasm. Less pressure, better sex!

TOP TIPS TO AVOID SEXUAL PERFECTIONISM
Make sure your expectations aren’t stressing her out. If she isn’t going wild with desire, try to be less demanding, and she might be more into having sex with you.
Don’t expect him to have the erection or stamina of a porn star. If he comes in five minutes, that doesn’t make him a failure. (Check this out: How long does sex normally last?)
Remember there are lots of ways to have orgasms. And one isn’t better than the other. Most women don’t have orgasms from intercourse alone.
Don’t pressure your partner to do things he or she isn’t comfortable with, just because it fits your ideal image of sex.
Remember sex in porn or romantic movies is fiction – it’s glossy, and choreographed. In real life, there’s no rehearsal. What looks good on camera isn’t necessarily what feels good for the two of you in real life.
Don’t always aim for the same ideal sexual experience. You can end up running through the same script every time, and that gets boring. To keep sex exiting, it’s good to try doing things differently – and that means taking the risk that it won’t be perfect.
Don’t fake perfection. If you fake orgasms or pretend to enjoy things, it makes it hard to help your partner give you real pleasure. You can end up stuck with far-from-perfect sex.
Don’t expect telepathy. You can help each other to make sex better by guiding, showing, talking, laughing, and trying again tomorrow! With sex, practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect – but it’s lovely to practise!